legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
