Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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