wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
