just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
