To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
