dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
