Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
