Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
