but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
