I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
