Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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