Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
