But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
