I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
