I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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