I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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