Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
