Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
