So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
