i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
