Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
