i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
