a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
