You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
