Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
