Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
