i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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