We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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