i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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