I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
