Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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