Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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