11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
