Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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