did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
