Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize