I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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