Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize
