I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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