Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
my liver is dry heaving
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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