Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
