I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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