when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
