It's Friday. Sex?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
