I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize