i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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