There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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