I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
