My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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