I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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