i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You're like the curious george of whores
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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