Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
