Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
