got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
