the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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